That picture yesterday bothered me. Technically both of them did. Actually bothered is not a strong enough word. Disturbed is much more fitting. It was painful to post them. It is painful to look at them.
The first picture disturbed me because I could not believe I not only allowed myself to put so much weight on but that I carried it for so long. I was tired all.the.time. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt unattractive. I was ashamed to be photographed. I don’t wonder why I was so unhappy with myself. I just wonder why it took me so long to admit I needed to change.
The second picture bothered me because I know I can’t wear the dress in that picture. As a matter of fact I don’t even own the dress anymore. The dress ripped when I last tried to put it on. That was 4 months ago and 8 pounds less than I was on January 2, 2015. And that was not a wake up call for me. That did not move me back to relying on God. That did not cause me to realize I can’t do this alone.
I’m reading a few books by Lysa Terkeurst Made to Crave and the companion Made to Crave Devotional: 60 Days to Craving God, Not Food. In addition I’m reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. Each day I find some nugget of truth, some wisdom I needed. Ironically yesterday in Unglued, I found a truth I’m applying to my weight loss journey, but it’s so much more.
“Oh God, chisel me I don’t want to be locked in my hard places forever. I want to be free. I want to be all that you have in mind for me to be.” (Unglued, 36) This quote and the accompanying story had me visualizing how God is described in the Bible. We often portray God as a potter molding the clay. Molding implies a gentle, soothing almost painless process. The process is silent and reverent except for a gentle whirring of the wheel. God’s hands hold the clay and with water gently washing over us we are formed into what the potter sees.
The visualization I got from the chisel quote was hard and harsh. It was loud and painful. I could hear the clink of the hammer striking the chisel. I became the rock and added my moaning and crying out to the cacophony of noise in the workshop. But just like the sculptor chiseling at the rock, God’s chiseling creates works of art.
The parts that are unnecessary are left a pile of rubble on the workshop floor. While the beauty within rock, at one time seen only by the sculptor, becomes apparent to even the most casual observer with each painful, shocking, noisy bang of the hammer.
“Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?” –Jeremiah 23:29
Once a sculpture is finished, the outside world should no longer see the rock. Yes, the veins and bits contained in the rock are still visible, made more beautiful but the sculptor’s hand, but the appreciator doesn’t say “What a beautiful rock.” They say “What a beautiful Sculpture, the Sculptor has made.” And so I move forward hoping that in my journey people see less of me and more of the creation the Creator has made.