Mistakes (fka: Rewards)

I'm calling a do over.

And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

                                                                                                Hebrews 10:18

I came away from my earlier post thinking people may have gotten the wrong idea. I don’t sacrifice because I’m atoning for something. I sacrifice because I find myself turning to things (food, shopping, etc.) instead of God.

I eat when I’m bored or tired or angry or happy. Not because I’m hungry. I was designed by God to feel hungry and eat to in order to nourish my body. I was not designed by God to eat in order to nourish my soul.

Buying things should be about what I need and {occasionally} gifts for holidays or even the occasional special achievement. Not -- Everything I see -- I want -- I buy. Which it honestly has become.

I did the exercise. The one my Husband asked of me that I refused to do. I added up all my iTunes & Amazon purchases I made in 2014. It was not a pretty number.  The dollar amount was ugly and the number of orders was ugly. And those are just the two easiest places to see what and when I purchased. That doesn’t include my infinite trips to Walmart, TJ Maxx and others.

Every one of those trips put me further away from going back to school. And I am frustrated with myself because I want to return to school. I need to return to school.

I was meeting with my Ministry Candidacy Mentor a few weeks back and talking to her about how frustrated I am about not being in school and how people just can’t understand why I’m so frustrated. And she said exactly what I’m feeling. “When God calls you to do something, there is this immediate urgency you need to do it now. There’s this drive that comes from within you and you can’t imagine not doing it.” And I sat there thinking “Yes! That’s it, you know what I’m feeling!” And I left there and returned to life and continued to be frustrated, blaming pretty much everyone in my life but me.

Because I didn’t want to face the ugly truth I finally faced this week. The only thing holding me back is me. I don’t need to stop shopping because shopping is inherently bad. I need to stop shopping because shopping is keeping me from following my call. And not following my call is creating a frustration in my life which is affecting not only my relationship with God but my family, my friends my everything.

And the same goes for my weight loss journey. It’s funny how these two seemingly unconnected journeys are so interwoven. In both of those situations I was using things to replace God. Food and shopping were my comforts.

Retail Therapy? Yes. Please.

Another chocolate chip cookie? Don’t mind if I do.

And the more frustrated I got the more I ate and the more I shopped until there was barely time for anything else. I wasn’t spending time with God, nope too busy having lunch or dinner out. I wasn’t reading my Bible, nope I need to download that new song. And then I couldn’t return to college, and that was frustrating so I might as well just go shop and eat. There now I’ll feel better.

But as I start this new year and I look at those pictures from the post earlier this week I don’t feel better. I cannot redo 2014, but this year, this is a new one. I haven’t messed it up yet!  We, as a family, decided no “frivolous” spending. And so far this year we haven’t done a lot of things. But one thing we did do is sit down and budget everything. Right down to the kid’s birthday parties/gifts.  And if I’m able to stick to it, school in the Fall should be no problem at all.

And even more importantly it will improve my relationship with God and the person God gave me to walk through this life with. You see my husband is a planner. He needs to know what to expect. And financially I was killing him, he was reviewing the bank accounts and credit cards regularly finding surprise purchases everywhere. He can’t plan financially around that. And every single time he tried to discuss it I would shut him down by pointing out his own spending. Because for a long time he spent and I spent and we didn’t discuss it. Because we were a two-income family and we could afford it. But we aren’t that anymore. And I can’t keep acting like we are.

So instead of viewing this like some kind of punishment, I’ve realized it’s more of a blessing.

The post below this is crap. Sure there are good points, I guess but it's not what I really wanted to say.

There are times in my life that I draw close to God. I have this open dialogue and I can sense His guidance in my decisions. Then there’s these other times.

The other times are divided into 2 categories. The first is separateness from God. It’s my own doing, I create a wall I run and hide not unlike Adam and Eve after eating that fruit (funny how eating keeps coming up). So I create my own aloneness. Those times dark and scary.   The second category of other times is where I’m talking to God pretty much all the time, which means I’m not really listening at all. It’s in those times I often substitute my desires, my wants, my needs for the plans God has for me.

That second category happens more frequently than I’d like to admit. I’m wandering in darkness I just don’t see it because I’m focused on the flashlight beam in the mirror. Yes, usually instead of looking to God for answers I’m looking to me. And the answers I find I actually believe are coming from God. Until I finally see my face in mirror and realize I was wrong. I just recently found myself looking in the mirror, yet again.

I’ve been struggling with another journey of late, my Call into Ministry. In order to follow where I feel I’m being led, I have to go back to school.  And from a financial perspective that’s not really feasible right now. Either we’ve got to reduce our out flow or increase our income. 

I like to shop. A whole really lot. New stuff is awesome. When I’ve been successful in my weight loss journey I reward my sacrifice with shopping. Usually right after a good weigh in, I’d go straight to Marshall’s or TJ Maxx and buy me a little something to reward my good behavior. But I didn’t stop there.

My husband recently asked me to give him an accounting of how much stuff (books, movies, music & apps) we’ve bought on iTunes in 2014. And I resented him for pointing out my failures. Getting an accounting of an iTunes account is not an easy task.  You have to page through 10 days of purchases at a time and add them up. You cannot print this accounting. You cannot cut and paste. And then I pointed out that he seemed to be focused only on my failures.  How about if we pulled out the Amex statements and looked a little closer at what he spent where. There was no further mention of the iTunes expenditures.

So quitting shopping? Been there, done that once for Lent and don’t have the t-shirt (because I couldn’t buy it). It was hard. Really hard. For 42 days I bought nothing other than food and household needs. But during Lent I can start my seeds, and plant plants and nurture them and watch them grow and be distracted from my distractions.   But to quit shopping altogether? Surely God is not calling for THAT kind of sacrifice?

So I immediately was drawn to the other option, increase the income. I could simply go back to work. As I read a book the other day, I felt strongly that God was blessing my return to my former Profession. Here I was convinced I had found my answer. And I was all smug talking about how I heard God tell me to move forward. That going back to work thing was what I should do.

Except. I really didn’t want to. I left that Career partly because I hated it. And partly because I didn’t believe that what I was doing truly helped people.  And partly to be home with my children and watch them learn everyday in my dining room turned classroom. And partly to do all the volunteer things that I do -- the ones where I know I help people. And a whole really lot because God told me to.

And so I prayed that prayer the one nobody really wants to pray, the prayer of complete surrender.  That prayer that Mary prayed in Luke 1:38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said”. And the prayer Jesus prayed just before he paid the price for all of us, “ Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42) My prayer wasn’t as eloquent or as important, but it was complete surrender, “God if this is your will Let it be.”  And after four business days I had no good leads from the headhunters. Even one I reached out to and know personally hasn’t gotten back to me. And so I think today I realized me going back to work is not God’s will.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Luke 9:23

Which could only mean God wants me to stop shopping. My reward will be the ability to go further with God.  I wish I could say I look forward to this. I want to be able to say I am eager to do this. I feel like I’m supposed to be happy here. But I’m not. I am unhappy and looking for loopholes and trying to justify how I can spend just a little money here  and there. I can’t say I’ll be perfect, and I know it won’t be painless, but I am convinced when I look back on this journey I will learn something. I will grow and I will be chiseled. More rubble will be left on the workshop floor.

Shocking

That picture yesterday bothered me. Technically both of them did.  Actually bothered is not a strong enough word. Disturbed is much more fitting.  It was painful to post them. It is painful to look at them.

The first picture disturbed me because I could not believe I not only allowed myself to put so much weight on but that I carried it for so long. I was tired all.the.time. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt unattractive. I was ashamed to be photographed. I don’t wonder why I was so unhappy with myself. I just wonder why it took me so long to admit I needed to change.

The second picture bothered me because I know I can’t wear the dress in that picture. As a matter of fact I don’t even own the dress anymore. The dress ripped when I last tried to put it on. That was 4 months ago and  8 pounds less than I was on January 2, 2015. And that was not a wake up call for me. That did not move me back to relying on God. That did not cause me to realize I can’t do this alone.

I’m reading a few books by Lysa Terkeurst  Made to Crave and the companion Made to Crave Devotional: 60 Days to Craving God, Not Food. In addition I’m reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. Each day I find some nugget of truth, some wisdom I needed. Ironically yesterday in Unglued, I found a truth I’m applying to my weight loss journey, but it’s so much more.

“Oh God, chisel me I don’t want to be locked in my hard places forever. I want to be free. I want to be all that you have in mind for me to be.” (Unglued, 36) This quote and the accompanying story had me visualizing how God is described in the Bible. We often portray God as a potter molding the clay. Molding implies a gentle, soothing almost painless process. The process is silent and reverent except for a gentle whirring of the wheel. God’s hands hold the clay and with water gently washing over us we are formed into what the potter sees.

The visualization I got from the chisel quote was hard and harsh. It was loud and painful. I could hear the clink of the hammer striking the chisel. I became the rock and added my moaning and crying out to the cacophony of noise in the workshop. But just like the sculptor chiseling at the rock, God’s chiseling creates works of art.

The parts that are unnecessary are left a pile of rubble on the workshop floor. While the beauty within rock, at one time seen only by the sculptor, becomes apparent to even the most casual observer with each painful, shocking, noisy bang of the hammer.

“Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?” –Jeremiah 23:29

Once a sculpture is finished, the outside world should no longer see the rock. Yes, the veins and bits contained in the rock are still visible, made more beautiful but the sculptor’s hand, but the appreciator doesn’t say “What a beautiful rock.” They say “What a beautiful Sculpture, the Sculptor has made.” And so I move forward hoping that in my journey people see less of me and more of the creation the Creator has made.

Three little prayers

1- I feel God is calling me to do more, be more. I'm not sure what He wants me to do, and I'm praying for His guidance. I'll keep you guys posted on this.

2- The Princess got moved to red again at school yesterday. She was throwing Cheerios at Snack time. This behavior concerns me. I'm beginning to think we may have made a mistake keeping her in this school for Kindergarten. The more I interact with many of the children the less I see the types of boundries we have. I'm not convinced that Sarah will finish her Kindergarten year here. I do need lots of prayers on this one.

4- Last night was Back to School night for the Boo Man. Boo's teacher seems to be very energetic and tolerant. These are 2 very good qualities for a teacher of Boo. Jay-bone had this same teacher for 4th grade. He is also energetic. I did not have any issues with this teacher and Jay, here's hoping Boo does just as well.

Sorry about the three posts today. I had somethings bouncing around in my head and at first I was just going to do one long post, but it became unmanageable.

TV Rant ahead.

Monday night my sons were very excited about the return of the CBS Monday night shows. My husband and I had discussed them over the summer and were not sure how we would handle it, we feel some of them are becoming a bit too mature for especially my 9 year old, but also the older 2. So with that thought in mind, we sat down on Monday Night.

The show on at 8PM "How I met your mother..." ended with an uncomfortably long make out session between two women. No I do not feel that is appropriate veiwing for my 9 year old. No I would not feel it was appropriate if it was a man and woman who were also not married. And yes I was uncomfortable sitting there watching it with my teenage sons. Quite frankly long drawn out sexual scenes are unnecessary especially in Prime Time TV.

The show at 8:30 PM "Rules of Engagement" features a dog of a man who beds every woman he comes into the most casual of contact with. Generally it isn't raunchy though and it relies more on innuendo than actual sex. And Russell is made out to be a not very nice human being. He's not a "good guy" clearly. In addition many other characters point out that his behavior is not acceptable.

Finally the show at 9PM is the one we felt the most cautious about. "Two and a half men" has gone completely raunchy. Charlie an alcoholic, womanizing, professional playboy is the successful one, the happy one, the one to be envied. His brother, Alan, who really just longs for a stable marriage is the pitied one, the doofus little brother, if you will. Our family has watched Jake, who is Alan's son grow up in a divorced situation living in a home part time with Alan and Charlie. Jake is 16 now and the show opened up to Alan crawling out a woman's bed so their kids would not find out they were "dating" because he really wasn't sure where it was going. He comes home to find Charlie passed out on his stairs in his underwear, and while discussing this 2 girls sneak out of Jake's room. Instead of stopping the girls, and pulling Jake out of bed, they (Alan & Charlie) discuss whether he was having a threesome or an orgy. At this point we turned off the TV for the night.

So if someone unfamilar with American culture was introduced to it by these 3 shows, they would be horribly confused. They would have to wonder how we as Americans get anything done, between our constant casual sex. And is this the message we want our children to see? Why do shows have to do this? Why can't we enjoy TV with our kids? Monday night has now become family game night for us. Thanks CBS.

The dream

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13 NIV


Last night God woke me up to share that Bible Verse with me. I've read it before. The first part is a favorite of Karen Kingsbury's and she uses it in many of her novels. The first verse tells us all what God wants to do for us. The 2nd and 3rd verses tell us what we have to do to receive his promises. I've fallen away lately. Over the past 2 years, I have not been the Christian God has called me to be.


I have tried to control my own life. I have tried to manage my life. I was saying to God "Thanks for the offer but really, I've got this." Last night he woke me from the dead of sleep with a very simple message, "No, Elisabeth, I've got this." And with that simple statement I let it all go. All the worries, all the stresses, all the fears, I let it go. And I have a lightness of being I haven't felt in so many years.


I'm currently working a job. It's not a bad job, it's actually a pretty good job. It's definitely an easy job. So easy, in fact, I get bored. I wanted to quit. I wanted a challenge, I wanted to feel useful. Add to that I'm consulting and not getting paid regularly. The paying part was very frustrating. The company was being very difficult. The company was quite behind in paying me. I was worried. I was paying for all the associated costs of working but not getting paid. It was causing us finanancial strain.


I don't do well with financial strain. When I'm stressed, I shop. If I'm stressed and cannot shop, I get more stressed. And usually that manifests itself into a huge pounding migraine.

Yesterday morning I was at the breaking point. I was yelling at my husband and he was yelling back. We decided we had a plan. I was going to find another job, and he was going to find a lawyer to sue this company for breach of contract. He was going to call them and give them the what-for as soon as he got to work. He didn't have much on calendar yesterday anyway. The more we drove in seperate cars coming up with this plan the more my head hurt. But wait we had a plan now, my head shoul,d not have been hurting. I should have felt relief not stress. I should be feeling better not worse. I mean this company had it coming to them. They did not behave as Christians, they did not keep their word and I was suffering.

And then a funny thing happened. My headache got so bad I had to leave work and go home. No all out searching for a job for me. Meanwhile, my husband's "one little thing" on calendar took all day to resolve. He never got the chance to make that phone call. He was so busy he couldn't even take a call from the company when they called to let him know they were releasing another check.

Yesterday afternoon, we decided to wait it out. But next time we were definitely doing it. I mean after all they were still 9 weeks past due. Yeah they paid so what, they still owe. ALOT. But my headache finally began to ease up.

And so, God seeing that he had not gotten my attention decided to interrupt my sleep last night with a beautiful and comforting dream. And he decided to tell me, "I've got this." I still don't know what his plans are. But I do know he will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. Even if it's in the dead of night.

I also know that he is the God of the Universe and he can handle anything. And he wants to. I just have to Let go and Let God.