Mistakes (fka: Rewards)

I'm calling a do over.

And where these have been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.

                                                                                                Hebrews 10:18

I came away from my earlier post thinking people may have gotten the wrong idea. I don’t sacrifice because I’m atoning for something. I sacrifice because I find myself turning to things (food, shopping, etc.) instead of God.

I eat when I’m bored or tired or angry or happy. Not because I’m hungry. I was designed by God to feel hungry and eat to in order to nourish my body. I was not designed by God to eat in order to nourish my soul.

Buying things should be about what I need and {occasionally} gifts for holidays or even the occasional special achievement. Not -- Everything I see -- I want -- I buy. Which it honestly has become.

I did the exercise. The one my Husband asked of me that I refused to do. I added up all my iTunes & Amazon purchases I made in 2014. It was not a pretty number.  The dollar amount was ugly and the number of orders was ugly. And those are just the two easiest places to see what and when I purchased. That doesn’t include my infinite trips to Walmart, TJ Maxx and others.

Every one of those trips put me further away from going back to school. And I am frustrated with myself because I want to return to school. I need to return to school.

I was meeting with my Ministry Candidacy Mentor a few weeks back and talking to her about how frustrated I am about not being in school and how people just can’t understand why I’m so frustrated. And she said exactly what I’m feeling. “When God calls you to do something, there is this immediate urgency you need to do it now. There’s this drive that comes from within you and you can’t imagine not doing it.” And I sat there thinking “Yes! That’s it, you know what I’m feeling!” And I left there and returned to life and continued to be frustrated, blaming pretty much everyone in my life but me.

Because I didn’t want to face the ugly truth I finally faced this week. The only thing holding me back is me. I don’t need to stop shopping because shopping is inherently bad. I need to stop shopping because shopping is keeping me from following my call. And not following my call is creating a frustration in my life which is affecting not only my relationship with God but my family, my friends my everything.

And the same goes for my weight loss journey. It’s funny how these two seemingly unconnected journeys are so interwoven. In both of those situations I was using things to replace God. Food and shopping were my comforts.

Retail Therapy? Yes. Please.

Another chocolate chip cookie? Don’t mind if I do.

And the more frustrated I got the more I ate and the more I shopped until there was barely time for anything else. I wasn’t spending time with God, nope too busy having lunch or dinner out. I wasn’t reading my Bible, nope I need to download that new song. And then I couldn’t return to college, and that was frustrating so I might as well just go shop and eat. There now I’ll feel better.

But as I start this new year and I look at those pictures from the post earlier this week I don’t feel better. I cannot redo 2014, but this year, this is a new one. I haven’t messed it up yet!  We, as a family, decided no “frivolous” spending. And so far this year we haven’t done a lot of things. But one thing we did do is sit down and budget everything. Right down to the kid’s birthday parties/gifts.  And if I’m able to stick to it, school in the Fall should be no problem at all.

And even more importantly it will improve my relationship with God and the person God gave me to walk through this life with. You see my husband is a planner. He needs to know what to expect. And financially I was killing him, he was reviewing the bank accounts and credit cards regularly finding surprise purchases everywhere. He can’t plan financially around that. And every single time he tried to discuss it I would shut him down by pointing out his own spending. Because for a long time he spent and I spent and we didn’t discuss it. Because we were a two-income family and we could afford it. But we aren’t that anymore. And I can’t keep acting like we are.

So instead of viewing this like some kind of punishment, I’ve realized it’s more of a blessing.

The post below this is crap. Sure there are good points, I guess but it's not what I really wanted to say.

There are times in my life that I draw close to God. I have this open dialogue and I can sense His guidance in my decisions. Then there’s these other times.

The other times are divided into 2 categories. The first is separateness from God. It’s my own doing, I create a wall I run and hide not unlike Adam and Eve after eating that fruit (funny how eating keeps coming up). So I create my own aloneness. Those times dark and scary.   The second category of other times is where I’m talking to God pretty much all the time, which means I’m not really listening at all. It’s in those times I often substitute my desires, my wants, my needs for the plans God has for me.

That second category happens more frequently than I’d like to admit. I’m wandering in darkness I just don’t see it because I’m focused on the flashlight beam in the mirror. Yes, usually instead of looking to God for answers I’m looking to me. And the answers I find I actually believe are coming from God. Until I finally see my face in mirror and realize I was wrong. I just recently found myself looking in the mirror, yet again.

I’ve been struggling with another journey of late, my Call into Ministry. In order to follow where I feel I’m being led, I have to go back to school.  And from a financial perspective that’s not really feasible right now. Either we’ve got to reduce our out flow or increase our income. 

I like to shop. A whole really lot. New stuff is awesome. When I’ve been successful in my weight loss journey I reward my sacrifice with shopping. Usually right after a good weigh in, I’d go straight to Marshall’s or TJ Maxx and buy me a little something to reward my good behavior. But I didn’t stop there.

My husband recently asked me to give him an accounting of how much stuff (books, movies, music & apps) we’ve bought on iTunes in 2014. And I resented him for pointing out my failures. Getting an accounting of an iTunes account is not an easy task.  You have to page through 10 days of purchases at a time and add them up. You cannot print this accounting. You cannot cut and paste. And then I pointed out that he seemed to be focused only on my failures.  How about if we pulled out the Amex statements and looked a little closer at what he spent where. There was no further mention of the iTunes expenditures.

So quitting shopping? Been there, done that once for Lent and don’t have the t-shirt (because I couldn’t buy it). It was hard. Really hard. For 42 days I bought nothing other than food and household needs. But during Lent I can start my seeds, and plant plants and nurture them and watch them grow and be distracted from my distractions.   But to quit shopping altogether? Surely God is not calling for THAT kind of sacrifice?

So I immediately was drawn to the other option, increase the income. I could simply go back to work. As I read a book the other day, I felt strongly that God was blessing my return to my former Profession. Here I was convinced I had found my answer. And I was all smug talking about how I heard God tell me to move forward. That going back to work thing was what I should do.

Except. I really didn’t want to. I left that Career partly because I hated it. And partly because I didn’t believe that what I was doing truly helped people.  And partly to be home with my children and watch them learn everyday in my dining room turned classroom. And partly to do all the volunteer things that I do -- the ones where I know I help people. And a whole really lot because God told me to.

And so I prayed that prayer the one nobody really wants to pray, the prayer of complete surrender.  That prayer that Mary prayed in Luke 1:38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said”. And the prayer Jesus prayed just before he paid the price for all of us, “ Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” (Luke 22:42) My prayer wasn’t as eloquent or as important, but it was complete surrender, “God if this is your will Let it be.”  And after four business days I had no good leads from the headhunters. Even one I reached out to and know personally hasn’t gotten back to me. And so I think today I realized me going back to work is not God’s will.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  Luke 9:23

Which could only mean God wants me to stop shopping. My reward will be the ability to go further with God.  I wish I could say I look forward to this. I want to be able to say I am eager to do this. I feel like I’m supposed to be happy here. But I’m not. I am unhappy and looking for loopholes and trying to justify how I can spend just a little money here  and there. I can’t say I’ll be perfect, and I know it won’t be painless, but I am convinced when I look back on this journey I will learn something. I will grow and I will be chiseled. More rubble will be left on the workshop floor.

Shocking

That picture yesterday bothered me. Technically both of them did.  Actually bothered is not a strong enough word. Disturbed is much more fitting.  It was painful to post them. It is painful to look at them.

The first picture disturbed me because I could not believe I not only allowed myself to put so much weight on but that I carried it for so long. I was tired all.the.time. I didn’t want to do anything. I felt unattractive. I was ashamed to be photographed. I don’t wonder why I was so unhappy with myself. I just wonder why it took me so long to admit I needed to change.

The second picture bothered me because I know I can’t wear the dress in that picture. As a matter of fact I don’t even own the dress anymore. The dress ripped when I last tried to put it on. That was 4 months ago and  8 pounds less than I was on January 2, 2015. And that was not a wake up call for me. That did not move me back to relying on God. That did not cause me to realize I can’t do this alone.

I’m reading a few books by Lysa Terkeurst  Made to Crave and the companion Made to Crave Devotional: 60 Days to Craving God, Not Food. In addition I’m reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions. Each day I find some nugget of truth, some wisdom I needed. Ironically yesterday in Unglued, I found a truth I’m applying to my weight loss journey, but it’s so much more.

“Oh God, chisel me I don’t want to be locked in my hard places forever. I want to be free. I want to be all that you have in mind for me to be.” (Unglued, 36) This quote and the accompanying story had me visualizing how God is described in the Bible. We often portray God as a potter molding the clay. Molding implies a gentle, soothing almost painless process. The process is silent and reverent except for a gentle whirring of the wheel. God’s hands hold the clay and with water gently washing over us we are formed into what the potter sees.

The visualization I got from the chisel quote was hard and harsh. It was loud and painful. I could hear the clink of the hammer striking the chisel. I became the rock and added my moaning and crying out to the cacophony of noise in the workshop. But just like the sculptor chiseling at the rock, God’s chiseling creates works of art.

The parts that are unnecessary are left a pile of rubble on the workshop floor. While the beauty within rock, at one time seen only by the sculptor, becomes apparent to even the most casual observer with each painful, shocking, noisy bang of the hammer.

“Is not my word like fire,” declares the Lord, “and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces?” –Jeremiah 23:29

Once a sculpture is finished, the outside world should no longer see the rock. Yes, the veins and bits contained in the rock are still visible, made more beautiful but the sculptor’s hand, but the appreciator doesn’t say “What a beautiful rock.” They say “What a beautiful Sculpture, the Sculptor has made.” And so I move forward hoping that in my journey people see less of me and more of the creation the Creator has made.

Awakenings

I’m on a journey.

Aren’t we all?

I like to look back at moments and think “Yes, that’s where my journey began” but often times it’s not. It’s just where a leg of my journey began. Because everyone’s journey begins the moment they breathe the air of life. At birth that first gulping breath of air begins the journey. Sometimes that journey is a thousand steps in the wrong direction and then you have to take a thousand steps back to get back where you started.  But those two thousand steps hold a gift. It’s invaluable. It is knowledge and wisdom.

In December of 2012 I began a weight loss journey. I decided I needed to take some weight off before I reached a point where it was truly affecting my health.  Just like my last major health journey when I quit smoking, I turned the battle over to God. I prayed and I told him I couldn’t. I couldn’t do this on my own. I wasn’t strong enough.

So God helped me, and through his strength alone I was able to follow the Weight Watchers program and lose 48.6 pounds in 10 months. That’s a whole lot really fast.  I dropped 5 clothing sizes so fast I couldn’t even keep up. I was exercising following the Points Plus Program and eating right. I felt good. I was invincible. I could totally do this.

Then, I lost sight of the fundamental truth in my success. I forgot the one mantra I knew going into the fight. The mantra I said over and over for months after I quit smoking. The one prayer that got me through, “God I need you. I can’t do this alone.” I wasn’t invincible. I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t do THIS alone.  I stopped losing weight.

From October 2013 to April 2014 I gained and lost the same 8 pounds time and again. Then I added a few more to that, and then ten more. And then I had to go buy clothes in those in between sizes that I had skimmed past before. And that was humiliating. And yet I kept going up and on January 2, 2015 I had gained back 26 of those pounds I had lost before. I felt defeated. I felt weak. I just didn’t know what to do. If this program can’t work for me, how can I do this?

And then I remembered, it’s not the program, it’s not me. I am weak.  And as Paul so eloquently states, when I am weak I must admit I need help and God is strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰That is why for Christ’s sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

God, the Creator cannot be defeated. Nothing can defeat him. And only when I am separate from him, only when I choose to live apart can I be defeated. And more often than not, I am defeated by the person I hold closest, me. My actions defeat me. My behaviors defeat me. I tell myself I’m good, I’m strong, I’m victorious, but I am not. I am weak. I am selfish. I am defeated. When I choose to rely on my own strength. When I chose to fight my own fights. When I believe “I’ve got this.” I don’t. God does.

So here's where I've been. Now onto where God is taking me.

Recalculating.....

Those with a GPS know what the title means with nary a description.  For those without a GPS, this is the message that displays on many GPS systems when the driver of the car strays from the GPS route.

It's also the image my Pastor gave me for what God does when we refuse to listen to his plans for our lives. (Which she got from another sermon) It's so perfect and so relatable.  I got it.  Finally.

I used to think that when we didn't listen to God, we got punishment.  Punishment that was due us, not unlike a misbehaving child.  God is a Father, we are his children, the image logically fits.  Except that it doesn't.  God never wants us to hurt.  He wants us to be strong, faith-filled, loving people who live to worship him.  But we are all too often really human. We don't get punished by God for straying from his path anymore than we get punished by our GPS when we stray from the route it has planned.  We may be inconvenienced, driving way out of our way.  We may assign personality traits to our GPS and say it gets mad at us for straying (like I do mine) but that's mere projection.  I don't really think God gets mad at us for not following his path.

God merely recalculates when we stray.  He recalculated when Adam and Eve sinned.  He recalculated when Jonah refused to go to Nineveh.  He recalculated when he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah but spared Lot and his family.  He recalculates every single day in every one of our lives.  My goal is to cause him to recalculate less in my life.

Get on with it already!

Recently I’ve had a front row seat to watching two people who are close to me wrestle with Christianity. They are both very similar in their personalities and neither of them is willing to grant God the control He desires in their lives. I stand back in amazement at both of them. I just can’t understand where they are. I really try to be there for them and answer their questions, but I am really having trouble relating.


I really don’t remember a time in my life where I wasn’t a Christian. I DO remember well times in my life when I tried to be in control, but I was a Christian, just a “Backslidin’ Baptist” as we’re called. I’ve made many mistakes in my life, I’ve chosen many wrong paths and I done many things I am not very proud of, but through all of those God has been with me. He carried me sometimes, held me sometimes, walked beside me sometimes and just generally was there for me always. To say He has protected me is understatement, He has blessed me way beyond what I deserve and continues to do so daily.

One of the people I’m watching thinks that being a Christian and having faith means all doubts are erased. You never doubt again. I know that isn’t true, I’ve seen all kinds of mature Christians doubt. One of Jesus’ own disciples doubted his resurrection, and that earned him the moniker ‘Doubting Thomas’. Abraham doubted, Noah doubted, Moses doubted, Jonah doubted and yet they all play important roles in our faith. They are all held up as examples of good and faithful servants.

The other believes she is not good enough to be loved, by anyone especially God. That one is easy for me, none of us are. That’s what makes Jesus’ death on the cross so spectacular. Christians are not perfect, we are just forgiven. When God looks at us he looks through the lens of Jesus. And as Christians we reflect Him not ourselves. He sees the Perfect and Holy One, not our sinful selves.

I get frustrated as I watch them both struggle through their lives trying to be all things to everyone and never relying on the One through which all things are possible. They both need to be all to everyone because then they believe they are in control of their lives, but they really aren’t, it’s an illusion – or delusion as the case may be. They believe giving up control is perhaps the worst thing they could ever do.

They think becoming a Christian means something it doesn’t. It doesn’t mean missing your old life, leaving your old friends and becoming someone different than who you are. It means living with a peace that surpasses all understanding. It means giving your troubles, burdens and heaviness to God. But it also means giving Him the credit for your successes, your joys and your wins. It means following Him, allowing Him to drive and leaning on Him before you have tried everything else.

Prayer is not a 9-1-1 call, it’s not a last ditch effort, it’s not even a Plan B. It’s Plan A and there is no Plan B. It’s trusting Him to give you what you need. It’s trusting Him to be in control. This isn’t necessarily easy for me, but I’m getting better with it (most days). I just wish I could get them to understand you’re not a Christian because you’ve become a saint, you’re a Christian because you’re a sinner.