I'm calling a do over.
The post below this is crap. Sure there are good points, I guess but it's not what I really wanted to say.
There are times in my life that I draw close to God. I have
this open dialogue and I can sense His guidance in my decisions. Then there’s
these other times.
And where these have
been forgiven, sacrifice for sin is no longer necessary.
Hebrews
10:18
I came away from my earlier post thinking people may have
gotten the wrong idea. I don’t sacrifice because I’m atoning for something. I
sacrifice because I find myself turning to things (food, shopping, etc.)
instead of God.
I eat when I’m bored or tired or angry or happy. Not because
I’m hungry. I was designed by God to feel hungry and eat to in order to nourish
my body. I was not designed by God to eat in order to nourish my soul.
Buying things should be about what I need and {occasionally}
gifts for holidays or even the occasional special achievement. Not -- Everything
I see -- I want -- I buy. Which it honestly has become.
I did the exercise. The one my Husband asked of me that I
refused to do. I added up all my iTunes & Amazon purchases I made in 2014.
It was not a pretty number. The dollar
amount was ugly and the number of orders was ugly. And those are just the two
easiest places to see what and when I purchased. That doesn’t include my
infinite trips to Walmart, TJ Maxx and others.
Every one of those trips put me further away from going back
to school. And I am frustrated with myself because I want to return to school.
I need to return to school.
I was meeting with my Ministry Candidacy Mentor a few weeks
back and talking to her about how frustrated I am about not being in school and
how people just can’t understand why I’m so frustrated. And she said exactly
what I’m feeling. “When God calls you to do something, there is this immediate
urgency you need to do it now. There’s this drive that comes from within you
and you can’t imagine not doing it.” And I sat there thinking “Yes! That’s it,
you know what I’m feeling!” And I left there and returned to life and continued
to be frustrated, blaming pretty much everyone in my life but me.
Because I didn’t want to face the ugly truth I finally faced
this week. The only thing holding me back is me. I don’t need to stop shopping
because shopping is inherently bad. I need to stop shopping because shopping is
keeping me from following my call. And not following my call is creating a
frustration in my life which is affecting not only my relationship with God but
my family, my friends my everything.
And the same goes for my weight loss journey. It’s funny how
these two seemingly unconnected journeys are so interwoven. In both of those
situations I was using things to replace God. Food and shopping were my
comforts.
Retail Therapy? Yes. Please.
Another chocolate chip cookie? Don’t mind if I do.
And the more frustrated I got the more I ate and the more I
shopped until there was barely time for anything else. I wasn’t spending time
with God, nope too busy having lunch or dinner out. I wasn’t reading my Bible,
nope I need to download that new song. And then I couldn’t return to college,
and that was frustrating so I might as well just go shop and eat. There now
I’ll feel better.
But as I start this new year and I look at those pictures
from the post earlier this week I don’t feel better. I cannot redo 2014, but
this year, this is a new one. I haven’t messed it up yet! We, as a family, decided no “frivolous”
spending. And so far this year we haven’t done a lot of things. But one thing
we did do is sit down and budget everything. Right down to the kid’s birthday
parties/gifts. And if I’m able to stick
to it, school in the Fall should be no problem at all.
And even more importantly it will improve my relationship
with God and the person God gave me to walk through this life with. You see my
husband is a planner. He needs to know what to expect. And financially I was
killing him, he was reviewing the bank accounts and credit cards regularly
finding surprise purchases everywhere. He can’t plan financially around that. And
every single time he tried to discuss it I would shut him down by pointing out
his own spending. Because for a long time he spent and I spent and we didn’t discuss
it. Because we were a two-income family and we could afford it. But we aren’t
that anymore. And I can’t keep acting like we are.
So instead of viewing this like some kind of punishment, I’ve
realized it’s more of a blessing.
The post below this is crap. Sure there are good points, I guess but it's not what I really wanted to say.
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