Change

Is supposed to be good for the soul.

Is supposed to be something we embrace.

Is supposed to be a gift from God.

Is not something I am good at.

On Tuesday November 2, I hit a pothole on my way home from work.  This caused my airbag to deploy.  This caused my car to be in the shop until today.  This caused me to be in a loaner car.  The loaner car was the same model as my car, only newer.  I was not comfortable in the loaner.

It wasn't my car.  It didn't drive the same. It didn't feel the same.  It didn't even look the same.  It was different.  

Not bad different actually in many ways better (than my car) different.  But still it was change.  Change I did  not predict, change I was not prepared for and change I did not want.

I hoped to be back in my car the week the pothole happened.  I knew I was starting a new job which was going to be more change and I needed some consistency.  I was right.  I have been completely overwhelmed the past few weeks.  I am not sleeping.  I am not eating.  I am short tempered, frustrated and on the verge of tears.

Someone out there has to be thinking "all this over a car?"  But it's not just a car.  This car was a gift to me from my husband.  And it was the consistency in a swirling, changing world.  Since he bought me my car, my daughter has gone from age 2 to age 5.  My oldest son has gone from his first year in high school to a Junior.  My second oldest son has gone from a 7th grader to High school.  And my youngest son has gone from 2nd grade to his last year in Elementary school.

I have left what I believed (when I took it) was my dream job, I have spent time at home not working, I went from being a smoker to a non-smoker, we have completed 4 of our home renovation projects -- in a nutshell, in nearly 3 years, Life (with a capital "L") has happened.  And yet my car except for a ding and dirty carpets has remained the same.  It's still the beautiful, thoughtful, loving, considerate Valentine's Day Gift my husband gave in 2008 and every time I get in, I am reminded in a very concrete, tangible way that he is a beautiful, thoughtful, loving, considerate human being.  And I am the love of his life.

Maybe not so much has changed after all.